By Amy Ford, PsyD, ABSNP
Playdates give your child a chance to practice making and keeping friends, and they may also bring out conflict. As a parent, you may have struggled with knowing what to do when your child and their friend start to clash. You don’t want to hover, and you also don’t want a small problem to grow until the playdate falls apart.
This guide is for parents of school-age kids, roughly ages 5 to 12. Toddlers and preschoolers usually need an adult close by the whole time, while teens tend to handle their own conflicts. In between, your child may need some help, and how much depends on what’s going on.
A quick guide to when to intervene on a playdate
Most playdates hit a bump at some point. The kids may argue over whose turn it is, or one of them may start bossing the other around. When that happens, you’ll need to decide whether to step in or stay out of it.
Your child may learn the most when they get a chance to work small problems out on their own, so it often helps to give them some room first. Watch how your child’s friend is reacting. If the friend seems fine, the problem may be smaller than it feels to you, and you can let the kids keep going. If the friend looks upset, or the argument keeps getting louder, that’s your cue to step in. You can match your response to how serious the problem is, using four levels that range from letting it go to pulling your child aside. Start with the lowest level that fits, and only move up when it doesn’t help.
Here’s how the four levels may look in practice.
- At the mildest level, your child may be a little bossy about the rules while their friend doesn’t seem bothered. You can let it go. Small moments like this may bother you more than they bother the kids. Make a mental note and bring it up after the friend leaves.
- If the kids get stuck on whose turn it is or start arguing over a small rule, you can change the subject for them. Walk in with a bowl of popcorn and ask who’s hungry. Many kids drop the argument once a snack shows up, and you can talk with your child about it later.
- If the conflict grows and you can tell the friend is upset, you can give your child a short, private reminder, like whispering “Remember to let your guest pick.” Keep it to a few words so your child doesn’t feel singled out. Younger kids who don’t embarrass easily may do fine with this, and older kids may prefer the code phrase described below.
- At the most serious level, things are going badly and the kids can’t get back on track. You can call your child into another room. Once you’re away from the friend, give your child a few minutes to calm down, listen to what happened and decide together what to do next. Your child can then go back to their friend with a plan.
How to step in without hovering
How you step in may depend on your child’s age. Younger kids, around 5 to 7, often don’t mind you being nearby, so you can usually walk in and help directly. Older kids, around 8 to 12, may feel embarrassed if a friend sees you correcting them. With an older child, it may help to have a reason to be nearby. One simple trick is to keep a basket of clean laundry to fold, so you can walk past and check in without looking like you’re watching.
You can also plan a code phrase with your child before the friend arrives. If you agree that “Can you help me carry this to the kitchen?” means you need to talk, you can pull your child aside without embarrassing them in front of their guest. This tends to work best with older kids, who are more likely to remember the plan.
When the same problem keeps coming back
If your child runs into the same problem on every playdate, and coaching hasn’t changed it, a sticker or star chart for one specific positive behavior may help. A chart works over time. Your child earns a sticker or star each time they show the behavior you’re working on, like letting their guest choose the game, and a set number of stickers earns a small reward. Think of it as a tool to bring out when other approaches haven’t worked, and keep it focused on one behavior at a time.
When it may be more than a playdate problem
If your child’s behavior problems also show up at school and at home, or your child seems to struggle with skills other kids their age have, a psychological evaluation may help. This kind of evaluation may look at attention, emotional regulation, learning and social skills to see what’s going on underneath. Once you know what’s driving the behavior, your coaching at home may work better.
Common questions about playdate problems
Q: What if your child’s friend is the one causing problems?
A: The same levels apply. Try to stay objective, because it may be easy to assume the other child started it, or that your own child did. If you can, watch for a minute to see what’s happening before you step in. Changing the activity or bringing out a snack may help both kids reset. Since the playdate is at your house, you can also remind both kids of your house rules in a kind, even tone.
Q: How do I talk about this with my child after the friend leaves?
A: Keep it short and start with something your child did well. Then mention the one thing you noticed, and ask how they’d handle it differently. If your child still doesn’t seem to understand, you can come back to it another day instead of making the first talk longer. You might act out the moment together, with you playing the friend, so your child can practice a different response.
Q: What if my child gets mad when I step in?
A: Many kids do, especially older ones who feel embarrassed in front of a friend. While the playdate is still going, keep what you say to a few words, like “Let’s give her a turn,” and say it privately if you can. Save the longer talk for after the friend leaves.
DaySpring Behavioral Health has supported families with evaluation and counseling for behavior concerns. Call us to talk about what you’re seeing at home or on playdates.