When dividing household chores with your partner keeps turning into friction, the source may trace back to the families you each grew up in. The people who raised you showed you how a household runs, and you may each expect your partner to follow that model without ever discussing it. You may expect your partner to cook for guests because your dad always did, while your partner expects to order pizza because that's what guests meant in their family. At DaySpring Behavioral Health, we suggest that couples start by asking each other where their expectations about chores came from.
How your family taught you about chores responsibility
What many people may not realize is that the people who raised them modeled how their household gets run. Your parents, a grandparent, or whoever you lived with showed you, day after day, who cooked, who handled the bills and who hosted when people came over. Over time, you may start to feel that your household's way of doing things is the norm, and that every other household does it the same way.
You never decided to adopt these habits. You picked them up by watching the adults around you. You may notice it when you feel a flash of irritation that your partner hasn't taken out the trash, and then realize that in your childhood home, that was always someone else's job. You realize that expectation has been set in you before you ever met your partner.
Your partner grew up with their own way of running a home. Sometimes your two ways match closely, and household life runs smoothly without much discussion. Other times they overlap in some places and clash in others.
How different upbringings lead to the same argument
You may each assume your way is the normal one, and you can both end up feeling let down without saying why. Here are a few common examples.
- One of you grew up spending weekend mornings doing yard work as a family. The other grew up with slow weekends and chores squeezed in later in the week.
- One of you watched a parent quietly handle every bill and appointment. The other grew up in a house where those tasks were split down the middle.
- One of you grew up in a busy home with friends always coming and going, and assumes hosting is a shared project. The other grew up where company was rare and one person ran the whole show.
In each case, you both get frustrated over an expectation you never told each other about. You might tell yourself, "Anyone would know this needs to get done." Your partner might be thinking the exact same thing about a completely different task. Both of you assume you agree on the basics, so you may skirt around the problem instead of bringing it up directly. Left unspoken, those small letdowns can slowly grow into resentment.
Trace an expectation back to its source
You can start working through your chore arguments by looking at where each of your assumptions came from. Once you can say your expectations out loud, you may start to realize that they are actually habits you picked up growing up instead of rules everyone follows.
One way to start is to compare notes on a calm evening, when there are no dishes piling up and no guests on the way. Here are a few questions to ask each other.
- Who cooked in your house growing up, and who cleaned up afterward?
- Who kept track of bills, appointments and birthdays?
- What happened when friends or family came over, and who did the work?
- Which of those patterns do you want to keep, and which would you rather leave behind?
By answering these questions, you may start to understand why your partner does things the way they do. A partner who never offers to cook for guests may have never seen anyone do it growing up. A partner who gets tense about weekend mornings may have spent years of them doing family chores. Once you see where a habit comes from, it may feel less personal.
Tell your partner what you expect
Once you know where your assumptions come from, tell your partner what you expect instead of waiting for them to guess. Clear is kind, and the more plainly each of you says what you want, the less resentment builds up.
In practice, that can be as simple as talking through the week ahead. Asking your partner, "Friends are coming this weekend. Do you want to cook, or should we order in?" takes ten seconds and could have saved the discussion over who was cooking. Over time, you may find you've built a household arrangement that reflects both of your histories, with some traditions kept, some swapped and some created fresh.
Common questions about dividing household chores
Q: Why do we keep fighting about the same chores?
A: Repeated arguments about chores often point to expectations that have stayed unspoken on both sides. If each of you grew up with a different model of who does what, you may both be waiting for the other to do something they never knew was expected.
Q: Is one of us doing chores the wrong way?
A: You may each be following the pattern you saw growing up. Talking about those patterns can help you decide together what works for your home now.
Q: When does it make sense to bring in a counselor?
A: If small chore disputes have hardened into steady resentment, or chronic stress is affecting your work or your kids, a counselor can help you both put your expectations into words and find a workable plan.
DaySpring Behavioral Health offers counseling for adults, including premarital and couples counseling, for partners who want help sorting through relationship difficulties. Contact us to talk about what's been happening at home.
If you or someone you care about is in crisis, please call or text 988 or visit your nearest emergency room.